"Broken Hallelujah"

"Broken hallelujah" I don't know why this song (Hallelujahs) has hit such a chord with me today. It is beautiful and haunting all at once. I have lived a charmed life, really, and yet I cry as he describes what love is not. It's not a "victory march", "it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah". Expectations are a few of the devil's favorite things. If I fool myself into thinking that the abundant life is going to be one that has a permanent toothy grin, then I have set myself up for feelings of defeat and betrayal. At some point in this life, your victory march will get interrupted by a funeral procession. If you're not prepared for that--because you thought if you did everything "right" you would be immune--it can really knock you out. But when you wake back up, this is when the beauty of the "broken hallelujah" is within reach. This is the bewildered, broken--"Lord, to whom would I go, you have the words of life"--cry. This is where faith meets the hard slap of reality and, after it falls, and while it's still holding itself in shock and awe, renews it's shaky vow: Hal-le-lu-jah. It's that moment when you experience for yourself the sentiment of Job: "Though he slay me, yet will I praise Him." Not because you're resigned to a malicious god, but because you have seen enough to believe He is still GOOD, in the face of what you are seeing now. This is the utterance of the one who remembers: "His ways are higher and His thoughts are Higher", "He makes known the end from the beginning". And in the end, He has promised us, there is a victory march. But for now, your broken hallelujah's are music to His perfect ears.

Who do I think I am?

Who do I think I am? I've been going through a bit of an identity crisis. A loss of confidence in myself. And while I recognize the stench of the enemy...I also recognize that there is something in here that God wants to accomplish with this unpleasant place I am in. When I was younger, I had more confidence than I knew what to do with. When I was younger--and before cancer--I had a swagger. There is something that I miss about that place in time. It is great to feel confident. It is fun to have a swagger. And while I do not appreciate the enemy's attempt to make me feel worthless and washed up, neither do I just want to go back to the confidence I had in myself, or the swagger with which I once entered every room. I think God is giving me the opportunity to replace my self confidence--which, btw, the enemy is happy for me to come back into, because he will have just as much fun stripping it from me the second time around--with a much deeper confidence. An unshakeable confidence. A confidence that is rooted and grounded in Who He is--not who I am. And as for the swagger?--presumably based on how good I feel about myself on any given day...or how good I look--I sense He wants to replace it with something much more useful. Fearlessness. Instead of walking into a room and feeling "socially on top of things", I can enter that same room--or back street alley--with the boldness of a woman surrounded by an entourage of love and power. The enemy is always trying to steal, kill and destroy. And if he can't have my soul--which he can't--then he'll take what he can get. He'll minimize me. He'll back me in a corner and accuse me: "Who do you think you are?" . That question that can make a grown man shake in his boots. It's a winning tactic the enemy has: kick 'em where it counts. He comes at us with partial truths: "you're nothing", "you're nobody", "there are tons of people who do that better than you", and if we have entered the arena based on our own self confidence, well, it's about to get ugly up in here. Your house of cards will soon become an unwanted game of 52-pick up. The fact is, we are dust, we are as frail as grass--God's word even says so! The devil loves to rifle through the truth of God's word and handpick what he then twists to use against us. The fact is: apart from Jesus I am nothing. But the Truth is: I am never apart from Christ. Why would I ever want to return to the empty promise of self confidence and human "swagger", when I can have the confidence of the King of the Universe? When I can walk into a room flanked with the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit. Who do I think I am? I'm the luckiest girl in the world;)

Instructions for when the sky is falling

"Be wise in what is good and simple concerning evil. And the God of peace will soon crush Satan underneath your feet." Today the enemy is scheming panic. But I will be wise in what is good: Who my God is. What He alone can do. How His love never fails. I will be simple concerning evil. I will not fill my mind with what the enemy is possibly up to. I will not make it my business to scheme against the plans of the enemy. I will keep my eyes on the King of Heaven. "Now I...will praise and exalt and glorify the King of Heaven because everything He does is right and all His ways are just. And those who walk in pride He is able to humble. (Daniel 4:37) The enemy himself is the originl "pride walker". And the God of peace will soon crush Satan underneath my humble feet. My hope is in the Lord, I will not be put to shame! The very One Who made the sky, is able to keep it from falling...or to rescue me when it does.

A Thanksgiving "make-over"

"Believe ye that I am able to do this?" Matthew 9:28 Talk about being caught up in the cares of this world...today is Thanksgiving, and I am stressed out of my mind. Instead of resting in the fact that we are here-at home-for a purpose, I am beyond stressed. Stressed over this turkey. Stressed over the money we spent for the meal. Stressed over the desire to create "holiday magic". I am tired, though I slept 8 hours. My joints ache. I feel like I'm 80 years old. I'm grouchy. I'm worried about money, about making time to pray today, about how much victory I have already given the enemy. These are small things in the scheme of this life. But God wants my small stuff too. Nothing is too hard for God. Not even the little impossible things. Like my mood. I have done my best to spread my stress and tension around. Can God take my mess and bring about an attitude change in me? "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.". That is a lot of power us mama's have. I want to use my power for good. Lord, I pray You would take this day and redeem it for your purposes. Take my worry, my stress, my regret (over not brining the turkey?!), my bossiness, etc., and transform it all. Save me from myself. Quiet me with Your love. (Zephaniah 3:17). Accomplish Your purposes in this home today. Help me keep my eyes on You. The author and perfecter of my faith. Lord, work Your beauty from ashes. May Your Spirit fill this place. Start the conversations that need to be started. Remove judgement and replace it with Love. Savior, like a shepherd lead us. "Roll on Jehovah, Thy way". Only You can bring the beauty You have planned. I surrender all. (now, if You'll just show me how;)

P.U.S.H.

P.U.S.H- Pray Until Something Happens

This morning, as I lay in bed, I felt a small sense that I should get up and pray for Tim (who had left early for a flight out of BWI, to do a gig in Cleveland). I didn't give it weight. I thought, I will pray for him when I get up...I have all day to pray for him. Again, I thought, maybe this would be a good day to fast and pray for Tim...but I already had a bite of banana bread...so maybe not.

Then, while studying the Bible, I got a call from Tim that his flight had been delayed-mechanical difficulties. That all the other flights to Cleveland had gone, and his had still not been re-scheduled. Immediately I remembered that "still small feeling" I'd had this morning. I felt so ashamed that I had not followed through with it. I told Tim, and he said he didn't think it would have made a difference. Right or wrong, I asked him what he thought prayer did do. He said he was just trying to make me feel better. Again-right or wrong-I told him I did not need to be made to feel better, but to grow and to learn. (why must I always assume the role of "teacher" with my husband, when God has convicted me that I should not? When will I learn to let the Spirit do that?)

I then went up to my prayer place, and proceeded to worship and to pray. I asked forgiveness for missing my earlier opportunity, and I truly prayed with the peace of forgiveness, and the peace that God was going to do something. I determined to be persistent in my prayer-until something happened. And I determined I would give thanks for whatever that something was.

About 45 min. Into my prayer time, the phone rang. It was Tim. The event was cancelled, due to his plane being delayed. I accepted this with a joyful heart. I know my God could do anything. I know His thoughts and ways are higher than mine. I know that I had not been obedient, and there are consequences to disobedience.

It reminded me of the persistent and humble prayer of King David as he begged for the life of his son, conceived in sin, with Bathsheba. Once he was brought the news that his child had died, he accepted it, washed his face and ate something. Our part is to pray. We do not have the wisdom or the responsibility for the outcome. This is one more facet of prayer. Pray until something happens-and when it does-trust that God is in it, even if you can't see Him. Your prayers were heard, the scripture prayed will bring a return, faith and trust are the required elements of the believer. "What is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Trust Him for what you cannot see. And learn to listen and obey what you (ever so faintly) hear him say.