my own worst enemy

"As I was walking past the stair,

I saw a man who wasn't there.

I saw that man again today.

I wish that man would go away."

I don't know who that little poem was written by...(Ogden Nash?), but I think-past the silliness of it-I can see a very real issue. The things that slow us down in this life, the things that keep us from moving forward, are sometimes only imagined. They are figments that loom in our heads, but nevertheless have power. But the power they have is only the power we are willing to give them.

In case you hadn't noticed I have been AWOL from this whole blogging thing. [anybody still out there who didn't give up on me completely?] Ironically, I have disappeared in the aftermath of an amazingly inspiring writer's conference. Something tells me it wasn't supposed to have that effect. But as with so many things, the longer I stayed away, the more impossible and daunting my return seemed. To top it off, I lay here sick today, watching endless episodes of America's Next Top Model. Not exactly the inspiration you need, to resume a spiritually probing self analysis...as this blog has come to be for me.

I guess the question is...what is this blog for you? Is it worth my continuing to share my vulnerabilities, my struggles, and my epiphanies? The man in the stair says it is not. He says I should just lay here half sick, and leave my blog half done...he says no one will notice or care. He tells me that each day that passes since the writer's conference, that I don't DO something big with my writing, is simply an indictment on who I am and who I never will be.

It doesn't take any believer very long to recognize who the man in the stair ultimately is. Yes-he is the very real enemy. But even so, that does not change the fact that the power he has over me is still only the power I choose to give him. Yes, I see him day after day, standing there in the stairway trying to block heaven. And yes he is quite the subtle yet relentless source of accusation. But aren't I-in fact-my own worst enemy for giving him power when I know full well he has been defeated? Why should I waste time wishing he wasn't there, (a constant source of snide rebuke), when I am really the one with the power to make him go?

I will pray Paul's prayer in Ephesians for myself:

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the glorious Father, may give me the spirit of wisdom and

revelation, so that I may know Him better. I pray also that

the eyes of my heart may be enlightened in order that I may

know the hope to which He has called me...and the

incomparably great power for me-who believes.

That power is like the working of His mighty strength,

which He exerted in Christ when He raised Him from the dead

and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all

rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title

that can be given, not only in the present age but

in the age to come.

(Eph. 1:17-21)

The man in the stair can stare all he wants, but he has no real power over me. May I never forget that. I will acknowledge his presence-because his presence is very real-but I will do a little staring of my own. And it won't be at him. I will keep my eyes fixed on the one who made my overcoming possible. "I will set my eyes not on what is seen"...a sick girl losing her Saturday as she lays sapped of physical energy on the couch..."but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" (2 Cor.4:18). God has eternal stuff for me, and whatever that looks like, I'm gonna take it, and no man in the stair is going to be able to keep me from it!

And so, I will lay here a little bit longer and wait to feel better. But you know something? I can see the stairs from here, and they are completely empty...(for now). It's amazing what a little resisting will do to clear the stairs;)