Monday, January 16, 2012

If I don't look like me, then who am I?

If I don't look like me, then who am I?

I have looked like me all my life. I have had a love/hate relationship with me. But at the age of almost 50...for the most part I have accepted who I am. And I wouldn't even want to look like ...Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, or Scarlett Johansson-because then I wouldn't look like me. My hair is not terribly thick, but I like it-it suits me-and I get compliments on it. My body may not be as voluptuous as some, but I like it:) Clothes are my friend:) They cover over a multitude of sins.

But now, all the control I have-over what I look like-is about to go away. Because now, I have cancer. I have kept my hair long, because I feel better in long hair, my husband likes long hair. I have kept my weight under a certain standard (granted, easier for me than others), because I know I don't feel good about myself when I'm over a certain poundage, and my clothes don't fit right anymore. Sure, I am aging, and there are factors I can't control. But I have (subconsciously, I realize) held on very tightly to the ones I could.

Who knew I was such a control freak? (that's rhetorical, for those of you who really know me;). I had prepared myself as best I could, for losing my hair. I even took pictures of me in a head scarf, to try and simulate it. It wasn't so bad. Maybe I could "rock the scarf" after all. I had a friend who said she and her husband wanted to get me a wig, when the time came. It seemed all my bases were covered. But even I knew I could only be prepared in theory-not for the true physicality of it.

Now my treatment has a face. And it is promising to be bald, threatening to be haggard, and possibly, even to be overweight. And my treatment has a season...Valentines Day, Easter, my daughter's graduation from high school, my 50th birthday. It's not like other seasons, when you think..."If I just plan enough in advance, I can get on a regimen where I could be in my best physical shape ever! And I can plan my hair color appointment just so...and maybe a few more layers would be better...(or maybe a few less layers?)..."

No. Now it is truly out of my hands. And now is when theory has to put some clothes on and walk around...and everyone will know if I still know who I am, or if I'm just pretending to know.

I am Lisa Jones. A daughter of the King. A beauty to her Daddy-God. A sharer of the good news. A comforter of others. A woman who longs to be used mightily in the Kingdom, and who considers it an honor to be on the front lines. Even if that means suffering. Especially if that means suffering. I am all of that-in theory.

Time to let God make me more than theory.

Who am I? I am His. Period. And He is enough.

12 comments:

  1. Thank you for being so transparent. It's one of the most beautiful things about you. I love you.

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  2. I'm loving the Lisa God is growing through this journey....you will always be you, only better each day....growing from one degree of glory to another, molded by the Potter's Hands! I love you and you are in all of my prayers!

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  3. Feeling blessed to know you Lisa Jones! My friend and beautiful princess.. Honored to share this journey with you! You will rock any look my friend!

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  4. I'm teary eyed as I read your blog and cry over your words that make me feel so blessed. I am blessed to know you and be able to have you as an awesome example of a true Godly woman in the calm AND in the storms. God, as we all know, has gifted you with the ability to express yourself in words that hits home with so many and touches the very recesses of our hearts! Glory to God! Thank you for letting us go through this journey with you....through your blog, your precious fb status lines, and through prayer! We love you, Lisa.

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  5. Love you, friend. Thanks for sharing your heart. You're a writer! ;)

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  6. Thank you for sharing, Lisa. Your honesty has always been used by God, and it will continue to be used here.
    Praying for your journey.

    -Margo-

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  7. I love you, Lisa, and am so very thankful that I have been given the blessing of knowing you.....you are a true beauty. Your faith is amazing. I pray complete healing on your physical body. Thank you for being such an inspiration to us all through your most difficult journey.

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  8. Thank you, Lisa, for allowing us to hitch a ride with you on your journey. Although we can't carry the burden for you, we will do our part by keeping you and your family in ceaseless prayer. Our Heavenly Father, who loves you so, so deeply, knows what a treasure you are to each one of us. Thanks for revealing your heart, and proving that even in the midst of trials and pain, you still remain beautiful as ever - hair or no hair! :) Love you girl!

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    1. As I read your beautiful post, God put the song "Beautiful" from our Women's Retreat in 2010 in my head... "You were made for so much more than all of this..."

      Our Life group is doing a B. Moore study and our homework is to ask God to reveal Himself to us every day this week and journal about it. I've had a long, tired, yucky day, and I have BEGGED for Him to reveal Himself to me in some way. Well--- I've just had my wish granted. Thank you, Lisa :)

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  9. I can't tell you all how much your reading and your comments have meant to me. I can't believe Imget to bless YOU through this, and how much you have already blessed me. I plan to post every 3 days or so...so as not to overwhelm any of us. Thanks again for going on this journey with me:)

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  10. Lisa, thank you for your honesty, so glad to call myself your friend. Praying for you lots!

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