Wednesday, January 27, 2010

after. shock. therapy.

broken. scared. small. unworthy and unwise.
accidentally toxic. broken...beyond repair.
Take it back. I take it back.
Everything. All of it. Make it right.
But I can't.
It's a horrible revelation that leaves me anesthetized-but still feeling everything.
C a t a t o n i c
What's wrong with me?! (I put the exclamation point because it looks like there should be one-but I'm too weighed down to exert myself to exclaim anything.)
Who can fix me...this? (Don't say God. You always say God-and they are sick of it.)
I don't know what to do with myself. Scratch. Start over. Be someone else.
Someone who doesn't have strong feelings. Someone who keeps her big fat mouth shut. Someone who closes her eyes, and doesn't have to open them again.
Someone who can stop crying.

What can you do with me God? I know you're there. I know you knew I'd be exactly here exactly now. And as unpopular as my-apparently unyielding and pervasive-views on you are,
I can't pretend that I have anything besides You. The fact is: I am Yours. It doesn't matter who doesn't like it, and who's sick of hearing it. You are stuck with me. (if it's OK to say that)

And why did I stop crying just now? Is it because I stopped being true to my feelings (whatever that means) and started writing what I thought I should. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

God, What can You do with someone who suddenly doesn't know a blessed thing?


  1. Oh you do know a thing... you do get it... or me at least. This is how I feel 90% of time. The other 10% of the time I think I finally have it all figured out and then... WHAM... 90% broadsides me with a THUMP!

    It's funny how telling the truth many times starts the tears, but also seems to end them as well.

  2. "The beginning of a circle is also its end."

    You hang in there Sister.

    I hear you.