Sunday, December 27, 2009

Slow fade

"Have I the slightest interest in the death of Jesus? Do I want to be identified with His death, to be killed right out to all interest in sin, in worldliness, in self-

to be so identified with Jesus that I am spoilt for everything else but Him?"
(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, December 23)

I read this and I felt sad. Because I know what it feels like to have that, but I do not presently have that. I know that I can have it again ...but I am so disappointed in myself and the slow fade that took me where I didn't realize I was heading.

There is such a parallel right now, for me, with my physical shape and my spiritual shape. Just 2 months ago I found myself suddenly physically fit. It had snuck up on me after 6 months of Muay Thai (sort of an extreme brand of kick boxing), and an especially stressful time in my life that left me with half an appetite. I was thrilled with my new situation...and I knew I would have to guard it carefully to keep it. But, my Muay Thai class took a 2 month hiatus, and along came Thanksgiving and Christmas. I sit, knowing that just a few months ago I was at my lowest weight and highest muscle mass--ever. And now? Soft from inactivity. Bloated with over indulgence. How could I have let this happen?

A more troubling question is, how did I get so soft spiritually? I haven't missed a day of spending time with God...I haven't stopped going to church, or spending time with people who challenge me. But the fact remains, that just a few short months ago Jesus and I were inseparable. Finishing-each-other's-sentences close. Inside joke close. And suddenly I find myself weak and disconnected. But the disconnect really was no more sudden than my fitness had been. I had gotten there in the usual ways: escapism; general busyness; and by a redirected focus on these most recent holidays.

Bottom line, you don't get fit--be it physically or spiritually--and stay that way, without a concerted effort.
I know how long it will take to reclaim my physical fitness.
I wonder how long til "...I am spoilt for everything else but Him"?


  1. You owe me a coffee--I have been waiting for this message! :) Jerri

  2. I love this post. There is something about it that speaks deeply to me. I have such great intentions of doing something spectacular -- something that people say, "Wow, did you see Heather? Boy is she a new person. I can't beleive how she has changed." The inspiration is there, yet the motivation somehow gets lost in the process. Whether it be the way I wear my clothes or wear Christ, I wish I could follow through with all the dreams I have to change. Do they have Muay Thai for God time? If so, sign me up!

  3. "Mommyspoon", you have changed so much in the short time I have known you. From where I sit, you are confident, you are motivated, patient w/kindergartners (me;), you are growing in Christ, you are leading others, you are stepping out in faith...what you can't see in yourself is oh so beautiful to the rest of us:*